After a relaxing massage and while Macky was watching Barney (again) & Ivan was out with my dad having cocktails on board the USS Tortuga with the Commander General of the US squadron (who is here, along with US naval forces for the Balikatan exercises), I sat in front of my PC and decided to write about this book I read just a few days ago.  Being the perennially proud bookworm that I am, I could not help but devour the 367 page book in a day and a half. I couldn’t put it down. Cliché I know, but I dare you to read it and you’ll agree with me.

 

            My mom who just came from the US gave me this & told me that whenever she’d see someone reading at the airport, she’d approach her (it would always be a woman of course) & strike up a conversation. Later on, my mom would recommend this book but she was astonished that all the people she had spoken with already read the book and felt the same emotions as they leafed through the pages. And so, she was quite insistent that I read it ASAP. And I did. I was not disappointed. Nay, I was enthralled.

 

***

 

            The book, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini is about two women in war-torn Afghanistan. It chronicles the life of Mariam, a harami (bastard) child of a rich merchant, and Laila, daughter of educated parents whose future seemed so bright until the curse of war destroyed all her dreams and hopes. They lived seemingly different lives but their fates were curiously intertwined.

 

***

 

            I have met several Afghans when I was abroad for trainings. Afghanistan is currently the center of the illegal opium/heroin trade since Afghan opium is cheaper and are produced in greater numbers ever since the country was ‘liberated’ from the Taliban forces. Hence, drug demand and supply reduction trainings are concentrated in this area. In all these trainings, the Afghan women I met were extremely beautiful. Smart. Outspoken. Really, really beautiful with their blue green eyes, aristocratic nose and prominent cheekbones. I was in awe of their colorful dresses and the jewels that made tinkling sounds whenever they moved. Although I was often invited to go to Afghanistan, I never went -- I was too afraid.

 

And so reading about this country, its conflicts, its women and its people, I felt a sort of unexplained kinship. I cried whenever the two characters suffered. I bemoaned their hideous state. I cursed the oppressive regimes that strangled the freedom of this tiny nation and destroyed not just the buildings but the spirit of its people. I wept for a time, a country so different from mine.

 

***

 

“…She remembered Nana saying once that each snowflake was a sigh heaved by an aggrieved woman somewhere in the world. That all the sighs drifted up the sky, gathered into clouds, then broke into tiny pieces that fell silently on the people below. As a reminder of how women…suffer… How quietly we endure all that falls upon us.”

 

            Indeed, I treasure this book because its language was not difficult to grasp, its simplicity made the lessons clearer, the experiences more alive and meaningful.

 

“Mariam wished for so much in those final moments. Yet as she closed her eyes, it was not regret any longer but a sensation of abundant peace that washed over her. She thought of her entry into this world, the harami... bastard… child of a lowly villager, an unintended thing, a pitiable, regrettable accident. A weed. And yet she was leaving the world a woman who had loved and been loved back. She was leaving it as a friend, a companion, a guardian. A mother. A person of consequence at last. No. it was not so bad, Mariam thought, that she should die this way. Not so bad. This was the legitimate end to a life of illegitimate beginnings.”

 

            It is a story of suffering… and hope. A story of pain… and love. A story of promise in a time of conflict and utter devastation.

 

“In a few years, this little girl will be a woman who will make small demands on life, who will never burden others, who will never let on that she too has had sorrows, disappointments, dreams that have been ridiculed. A woman who will be like a rock in a riverbed, enduring without complaint, her grace not sullied but shaped by the turbulence that washes over her.”

 

            I too have been shaped by life – by circumstances, welcomed or not, by lessons, by pains, by risks taken and opportunities missed. I have struggled and triumphed. I have been humbled by living. And in the face of all ‘aridity and disenchantment’ I have allowed myself to be carried by grace.

 

            For those who value womanhood and the endurance with which we face countless suffering, you will love this book. For those who admire life and courage and the bonds of friendship, you will deem this book too precious. And for those like me, who believe that hope, for all its trumped up merits, can be the most painful thing in the world – but still undaunted, carry on everyday anchored on the promise that life can and will be beautiful… This book is for you.

Last night, I decided to edit my friendster profile because it has been a while since I've written something about my life. With me, whatever is written on my profile, is dependent on my current state of mind.

Sentence number 1: Happily married with one adorable kid (gleefully anticipating the arrival of another bundle of joy).||

Yep! Ivan and I are trying (very, very hard... wink wink) to have another baby. Macky is already two and I will be 30 this coming June and we really want to have another addition to our blessed family. It would be stupendous if we could have a girl this time.. :) but of course I'll be grateful for whatever God will give us. Ivan and I will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary this April and boy, it has been one heck of a ride. I'm proud to say that although there are times that I just want to stranggle him for being so makulit, there has never been an issue so huge as to cause a big fight (thank God for that). Ivan is a great husband. A good provider, unselfish, very kind, respectful to my parents, very masipag -- an all-around great guy. And people here genuinely love him. And as a father.. wow! He is tops! Ivan and Macky are bestfriends and it is such a joy seeing them both. My son has inherited his dad's good looks, but he has my wit (hehe) and the innate intelligence of his grandpa (yahoo!). Very charming and malambing, Macky is always the center of attraction. My dad said he will pass a resolution declaring Macky to be the handsomest boy in Palawan... What do you say to that?! Ha ha! 

Sentence number 2: Presently occupying a position of utmost value, which at best, can improve people’s lives, lessen burdens, ease pains, make a difference. ||

I just had to say something about my line of work -- my advocacy. I am proud of the work I do -- both as Chief of Staff of the Office of the Vice Governor and as Executive Director of the Palawan Anti Drug Abuse Council. Despite the many pressures the work entails, I feel quite fulfilled and happy with what I have accomplished. I am part of a team which is able to help individuals and communities from different sectors; we make a lot of difference with our advocacy; we bring public service closer to the people. Furthermore, I believe that this is my training ground... Everyday, as I face different individuals, as I encounter numerous problems, I am preparing myself for my future role as a servant of the people. So there!

Sentence number 3: In all the journeys I ever took in life – with my loved ones and even alone – I have always been grateful. Despite my many faults, I’ve always sought to better myself after every learning experience. Despite hurting some people at some point in time, I’ve always done some benevolence which would be commensurate to the despair I have caused. ||

Sigh. I just had to state this. Indeed, I've done things which I am not proud of, but then, I always made sure that I made "bawi" -- eventhough it wasn't good enough for the people I've hurt or it wasn't even for them -- I really, really was adamant in doing something good so that the heavens would forget I ever did something bad.. :c

Sentence number 4:  To be kind when others are not; to have compassion even when you too are burdened; to stand by your  principles when it is not popular; to be filled with abundant love that would enable you to forgive others and yourself – this is what I always strive for. ||

Ahhhh! My saving grace! I've learned so much (and learning more still) but these are the most important aspects I've gleaned throughout my existence.

Finally: My life has never been perfect, but it has always been blessed. ||

Need I say more?

Today, I am at my fattest.

What used to be a 24 inch waist, has now expanded to 27! I had to totally revamp my closet because nothing fit anymore. And giving away my clothes was extremely difficult -- especially this little black Ralph Lauren cocktail dress which I grudgingly gave up because I realized my waist will never be as it once was (enjoy the dress jam, I know you'll do justice to it!). Thank God, my cup size increased as well! At least, I'm still proportioned.  I have become fuller, broader... yet happier. I am at my heaviest yet, surprisingly, my happiest.

All because of motherhood.

Whenever I meet people whom I haven’t seen in years, they’d say, “Ang taba mo!” Uncouth, I know, but I don’t blame them. After all, they’re used to this image of a thin Pam. Unnerved, I smile at them and say, “this is what you call progress.”

Honestly, despite being miffed (for a few minutes) whenever I hear this, the realization that I feel happier and better about myself erases any trace of despondency. I especially love it when my son Marcus would shout, "Mommy, sexxxxyyy!" or Ivan, in his "lambing mode" would cuddle me and say, "ang sexy mo". Their opinion are the only ones that matter anyway!

Anyhow, I'm sure the coming holidays and the food trip galore will add a few more pounds to my "ballooning" figure but I don't even care. I have my everlast sweatsuit, my punching bag and jump rope to help me shed the extra pounds.. That is, if I have the time to exercise.  But then, if I don't.. If i find myself a few pounds heavier, a few inches thicker around the waist, I need not fret. Happiness isn't about weight at all -- it is feeling good about yourself, despite the many changes your body undergoes. It is loving every inch of your body -- imperfections and all.

Right now, I am happy with the way I look and the way I feel. No excess fat can make me feel otherwise, especially since my two boys constantly tell me I am the sexiest mom in the world.

This is indeed, irrefutable: motherhood becomes me.

 

Link

I've been traveling since I was a baby. My first trip on a plane was when I was barely two months old. I got addicted to plane rides eversince. Thank God it was a vice we could afford. My mom, an avid traveler (from whom I got the obsessive compulsion to have my passport stamped every 3 months), took us all to different places every year. We all looked forward to summer and christmas vacations because it would mean we would be going to Hong Kong or Thailand or some other foreign country again. And even if we didn't have the time to travel abroad, we would travel to local places and be exposed to a myriad of sights and sounds. I'm pretty proud of the places I've been to mainly because it has widened my horizon and made me more accepting of people and cultures.

Among my most favorite places are the old world countries of Europe. I've lived in the US and boy is it nice.. And Asia has its tantalizing allure but Europe.. oh Europe.. it is indeed in a league of its own.

We were there for more than two months! We got to travel around Switzerland, Austria and the allied countries thanks to Rail Europe.. and of course the Schengen Visa.. Traveling by train is simply amazing! You get to see so many beautiful scenery it would just awe you! The Swiss Alps, Lucerne, Vienna, Amsterdam, the small towns of Hungary.. such beauty and tranquility beyond words. It was a blessing to behold such magnificense. We also got live in London for a month! I didn't notice we had been there for a long time.. not until 'blimey weather' and 'afternoon tea' had become part of my vocabulary. Beautiful memories indeed.

And then there are our travels to Asia - Bangkok, Thailand. Malaysia, Japan, Singapore, Hong Kong, Bali, Indonesia. Seeing and being with people who have the same physical features as ours and with whom we share some similarity in terms of cultures and traditions but are still quite different in many aspects is a humbling experience. I've learned to value the characteristics which set us apart as Asians because I've been a witness to how beautiful our race is.

So it is with immense joy that I get to share this penchant for travel with my hubby and son. Ivan and I have been traveling abroad for years. We've been to Singapore and Malaysia but we found it more enjoyable to travel with our little boy in tow. Although he is quite a handful, we can't imagine ever going to places without Macky. I knew it was the right decision when Ivan told me after we got home that this was his best travel abroad ever. After all, we got to do it as a family.

We're planning our Hong Kong trip this December.. I'd really like Macky to see Disneyland... a prelude to our US trip next Spring, though Ivan wants to go back to Thailand before we go to the US. It'll be another chink in our bank account but what the heck?

Sometimes, the best things in life are really quite expensive. But the memories, the lessons and the bonding are truly priceless.

I just returned from a three day training at the Province's oldest municipality, Brooke's Point. It was our fourth training for the month and as has been our custom, Ivan and Macky tagged along. It was a tiresome 5 hour ride to and from the place but the trip was worth it, especially after the sucessful training and the wonderful bonding we had with the 70 participants from different high schools. Training young people in enhancing life skills has really become my passion. I am proud to say that I am doing my share in making this world a better place to live in. And yes, it does help me sleep better at night.

There really is no joy greater than being able to help others. In my case, I help these young people -- and hundreds of others (I've already trained close to 1000 youths) -- by empowering them on the dangers of drugs as well challenging them to share and give back the knowledge they have learned. I urge them to educate as they have been educated, to empower as they have been empowered and to inspire as they have been inspired. And before parting, I challenge them to be dedicated to a cause greater than themselves.

Sometimes, I encounter broken and despairing souls because of drug use. A family member died because of drugs, a brother is an active user, a father is a recovering drug dependent. I do not judge. I give them hope. I offer them a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a heart that listens and understands... and somehow, it makes a lot of difference.

I even get a few letters of thanks afterwards, with words like "Na-aappreciate po namin ang inyong concern para sa kinabukasan ng bawat kabataan at lubos po ang aming pasasalamat" and "Salamat po sa pagturo at pagtulong ninyo sa amin." These young people, their loved ones, their educators really do appreciate the efforts we put into these trainings and the vision that propels us to go to far, far places and undergo such activities.

As I examine my life, I really am blessed. Not a single day passes that I am not thankful -- for a loving husband who supports my every undertaking, understands and accepts my every fault; a wonderful, adorable son who is soooo wise beyond his years; my parents and siblings who are always there and who are my pillars of strength; a handful but trusted and valued friends; a worthwhile advocacy which helps, changes and inspires people; and my PADAC team who are not just my staff but more importantly, my friends -- sisters and brothers bonded by a common cause. Through them and with them, I live my purpose, I embrace my destiny... 

They are the reasons I have an abundance of bliss.

I've been active in this field for almost ten years; it all started when I was 19 and I volunteered as a researcher at the Quezon City Drug Treatment and Rehabilitation Center or Tahanan where my mother was the Administrator. As I studied the patients and became a witness to their everyday struggle, I realized I needed to be more involved. So I traveled with my mom as we attended various conferences in Europe, Asia and the US. I underwent intensive training under foreign experts in drug demand and supply reduction.

 

I learned so much from almost four years of traveling, studying, training. Moreover, because of these trainings I was able to spend weeks and months in Austria, England, Switzerland, China, Indonesia, Thailand and even when I was studying in New York, I often visited the Daytop Village in order to aid my learnings. Those experiences were utterly unforgettable and completely changed my life. A whole new horizon opened up before and I was never, ever the same.

 

And so I have dedicated myself to the pursuit of a collective dream, and that is to see a world without drugs. I fill my days conceptualizing, initiating plans and strategies and training youth, parents, community leaders, educators in preventive education. Indeed, I have found my calling, my purpose. I resolve to save the world, one youth at a time. An insurmountable task you might say. Most of the time, it is.

 

The struggle has not been easy. Yet, at the end of the day, I realize, that to make even a little difference, to educate, to empower and inspire is always worth all the effort and pain.

 

***

Anyway, just want to share with you a speech I gave during the Leadership Training of the Girl Scouts of the Philippines where I was invited to talk about drug abuse prevention.

***

As the Director of the Palawan Anti Drug Abuse Council Secretariat and at the helm of innovating, initiating and instituting drug abuse prevention campaigns, I am privileged to speak to you today about the dangers of drugs. We at the PADAC take every opportunity to share our knowledge with young people because we believe in the power of the youth to make a positive change in our society. And since the youth are the primary targets of this scourge, it is only fitting that we arm them with the necessary knowledge with which to combat it.

Today I will talk of the dangers of drugs in the simplest way I know how, because I believe that sometimes, the simplest way, is the most effective. I am not a doctor and so I am will not be effective in talking about pharmacological effects. Rather, I will be talking in laymen’s term and I will talking as if we are all erstwhile friends. Let us begin.

The misery that can be caused by drug addiction is immeasurable. Drugs have physical and psychological effects on the abuser, thus crippling him as an individual and as a member of the society. The abuser is unable to function normally and his relationships with his family and friends will inevitably be affected. Due to the addictive nature of drugs, most abusers have difficulty in kicking the habit. Drug abuse is often a lifetime bondage for abusers. And here lies the danger.

The World Health Organization (WHO) defines “drug” as any substance, solid, liquid or gas that changes the functions or structure the body in some way. This excludes food and water which are required to maintain normal body functioning”. The drugs of most concern to the community are those that affect a person’s central nervous system. These are called as psychoactive drugs. They act on the brain and can change the way a person thinks, feels or behaves.

Drugs are derived from a range of sources. Many are found in plants for example, nicotine in tobacco; cocaine from the coca plant, mariuana, etc. Even certain fungi such as magic mushrooms and cactus plants are considered drugs because of their hallucinogenic properties.

Drugs are classified by their effects on the central nervous system. These are the depressants which slow down the CNS and affect coordination, concentration and judgment; stimulants (cocaine) speed up the CNS and can cause panic, seizures, aggression and paranoia; hallucinogens meanwhile, distort perceptions of reality and often results to dangerous behavior.

I will not dwell on the types of drugs as we can always call a member of our PNP to discuss this fully and invite you for another forum on the type of drugs. We shall now discuss why people use drugs.

Drugs are taken for their immediate and short term effects. The most common reason why people use drugs is to change the way they feel. There is really no simple reason why. However, young people often turn to drugs to relax and to have fun; to feel a sense of euphoria, to be part of a group; to taste it out of curiosity; to cope with problems; to relieve stress, anxiety or pain and to relieve boredom. Drug use by young people may be influenced by a number of factors that include family and friends, society and the environment.

Now the question is what can we do about it?

The primordial mandate of the PADAC is Primary Prevention. Our methods of primary prevention include educating the youth, the parents, community leaders and health workers in programs that focus on providing them with relevant knowledge as to the values, (the what and why) relating to drug abuse; acquiring appropriate skills (how to) to refuse the lure of drugs; and enhancing their self esteem and desire to stay away from drugs. And we believe that effective drug prevention programs should not only focus on providing awareness and facts but also need to include skills training to enhance the social competency of the target groups.

Why preventive drug education?

Prevention programs should be based on research. In addition, prevention programs should be tailored to address risks specific to population or audience characteristics, such as age, gender and ethnicity to improve program effectiveness. Drug prevention programs targeting students, youth and community should increase academic and social competence focusing on the following skills: self-control, anger management, communication, peer relationships, self-efficacy and assertiveness, drug resistance skills, reinforcement of anti drug attitudes, strengthening of personal commitments against drug abuse and problem solving.

 

You are youth leaders in your own right. You have the ability to lead your fellow youth. Now that you have some knowledge about the dangers of drugs, share this knowledge, do not let it end with you. You have a task to educate as you have been educated, to inspire as you have been inspired.

 

With these words I thank you for your time and I wish you good luck as strive to realize the vision of a drug-future for the Filipino youth.

For as long as I can remember, I have never let failure, rejection, pain or spite bring me down. I have survived a thousand battles, I will survive a million more.

Let me just say now that I am a peaceful soul. I have never, ever deliberately hurt another human being because I am of the belief that what you do to others come back to you a hundred-fold. And so, despite the many times I've been taken advantage of, the many times I've been stabbed in the back, the many times I've been frustrated, hurt and betrayed, I have never resorted to vengeance. Not until now.

In the past, I have let out a few angry words; I have written hateful letters, because I release feelings better when I write; and yes, I have thought a thousand, nay, a million times of the many things I would do to exact revenge. Yet I have never succumbed to the temptation of getting even. Simply because I refused to be evil. But that was before.

My friend, Laureen said that it is only natural for me to react this way since I've been hurt, I've been betrayed by one whom I have helped constantly and even treated like a sister. Yes, the pain and the anger is so intense that it is taking every conscious effort not to put my plans of bringing her down into motion. Vengeance and malevolence has not entirely permeated my being. The little voice that refuses to be evil still prevails.

Only until I can take her constant villification. Truth is, my patience is thinning.

They say it is the weak who are cruel, gentleness can only be expected from the strong. Indeed, there are many things I have done that I am not proud of, yet I know that despite all my shortcomings, I still have a gentle, strong and kindred spirit. But sometimes, I too am tested beyond my capabilities.

I seize the opportunity that every single day brings. I love and laugh fully and whole-heartedly. As I am only being true to myself in bliss, so am I being true to myself in fury. I will let this anger flow and will let it diffuse naturally. I may do something I might regret a few years from now, but I will just be embracing my humanity - flawed, imperfect, and at times, vengeful.

Malevolence might eventually force me to show my "bitchy" side because I simply refuse to let anyone humiliate or embarrass me... and think they can get away with it.

No one is that privileged.

Just to prove to people that I am not really in a combative mood, I once again "copied and pasted" from my dear friend Laureen's blog a sweet, poignant, heart-rending letter that just tugs at your soul and makes you appreciate the miracle of love. As I simply refuse to remove my first and only "hate" entry, let me just reassure all my friends out there that NO, I have not sunk in the quagmires of anger and vindictiveness. On the contrary, I am as happy as can be and thanks to Laureen's constant presence, and of course my family's unfathomable love and support, I am indeed, on top of the world.

But let's go back to the letter. Just a little background on it: I rarely watch Pinoy shows, actually, I rarely tune in to local channels. However, one night I came across this show on channel 2 which starred Sam Milby, Anne Curtis, Bea Alonso & John Lloyd Cruz. Truthfully, what hooked to me to the last few weeks of this melodrama' was the brilliant acting of the guys -- i love the way they cry! Man! Ang galing umiyak!

Anyway, this was a letter for Celine (Anne) by JB (Sam) & I actually saw the episode. Here it is. Be gladdened, be saddened, be inspired. Just enjoy.

 

My Dearest Celine,

One day I will disappear completely. The letters will mean nothing. The world will get tired of me… You will get tired of me, I will get tired of myself and I… I will never get tired of you. For you there will be no endings. I will say your name over and over like a refrain, my prayer to no one. Then I'll be a flower, the one you'll never pick. I will endure the breathless waiting till boundaries disappear…

With nothing to do, I'll make new constellations. Images of you as I remember. Dancing, sitting, walking. There are stars from a different view but still I see nothing but you. Unfurling like a flower, swiveling like a leaf… I once watched you sleep beside me. It was dark then… but the darkness is deeper now. Tonight in my dreams, I will see you. My lady, clothed only in light… Like a kite, I've given myself up to the wind,I made friends with the sun, confused the birds with strange and distant voyages… but it is you that ties the thread and holds me down. Like a kite, I will forever hold your hand and with the burning human longing in your hands, we surrender…

Only travelers leave but I've never been a traveler for I have never left. I'm lost, simply. Wanting to be in a place I've never been and will never be… Of all destinations, I long to be lost in the fields of your hair, lost among your thoughts as you are already in mine. My life started when I loved you and that is how I want it to end.

Yours forever, JB

 

For She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,

I'm sorry that when you were a kid, your mother put you in dried up well for an entire afternoon just to punish you. this must be the reason you're all "myxzed" up.

I'm sorry you weren't blessed with beauty unlike your two sisters. having buck-teeth, a flat nose and dark underarms are indeed difficult to deal with and thereafter results in comical delusions.

I'm sorry that you tried so hard & so many times to kill yourself but failed. you would've done the world a favor if you did.

I'm sorry that you have this ridiculously unfounded belief that you are beautiful, you have it all, you're the best when truthfully, you're not. never were, never will be.

I'm sorry that you have no inkling how rich we are right now -- in terms of money, friends, opportunities, love and peace. all this are our own doing. my husband and i.

I'm sorry you're so bitter and desperate and so freakishly lame you make me laugh with your pathetic vacuous (read: unintelligent) regurgitations (read: mechanical repetition).

I'm sorry you still think you have a future. YOU DONT. Not after I'm through with you.

As i end, let me just say that you forced me to do this. Suffer the consequences.

My heart is heavy with sadness. It has been like this for nearly a month, eversince I received a call from my mom, one lazy sunday afternoon three weeks ago, telling me our cousin, Popie was dead. It was one of those moments that leave you utterly speechless and renders your whole being immobile. My mom was hysterical -- her sister, Tita Alma (Popie's mom) was there at our house that day, together with her husband (my Tito Mario) and his younger sisters Aira and Jamil. They were at our lanai, having finished the 'traditional' Sunday brunch at our house when my uncle got the call from ATO informing him that Popie's cessna collided with another light plane. There was nothing more that could be done. Popie's remains were already at the morgue. It was quarter before three. My mom called me 10 minutes after.

I remember now, that minutes after the call, all I could think of was that it wasn't true. This tragedy couldn't have happened to us. This was all a bad dream. I ran to the TV room where my brother Bon was & told him. He immediately dialed Popie's mobile number but it was out of reach. Terror began to envelop my entire being.

Ivan searched the internet for any news on the collision. After several minutes, he found a report on GMA and it said that two light planes collided. Two people were dead. One of them was the flight instructor, Capt. Patrick Philip Teruel, my cousin, Popie. He was only 25.

The days that immediately followed were among the saddest days of my life. We all flew to Manila to attend the wake and to console with the bereaved. I am a strong woman but I am at my weakest when confronted with death. In the face of such immense tragedy, I am incapcitated. I am broken.

Many, many days after his beautiful funeral (rose petals dropped from the sky and it seemed like the heavens was in mourning and the petals were its tears), I still cry when i think of Popie and all the could've-beens in his life. He was at the prime of his youth -- so handsome, so well-loved, so determined to reach his dream. I cry for his parents, who are very, very good people. As a mother I believe it is against the laws of nature for a parent to bury his/her child. I cry for his sisters who are so close to us, who have shared with us our many ups and downs, our countless defeats and triumphs. They are more than relatives -- they are family. I love them like my own.

I cry for the abruptness of his life -- how it was so tragically cut short by another's negligence and not his own. He was only 500 feet from the airstrip, just a few seconds and he would've landed safely. He was guiding his female student pilot as carefully as he had guided others whom he have taught. Alas, fate can sometimes be so damn cruel. Another plane, with an 18 year old female pilot -- a foreigner flying alone, unguided by her teacher on the ground (who decided to leave his post to eat) -- dived to her death and took my cousin with her. 

There is, I suppose, no end to grief. Every night since, I ask my sister Mae in Manila how my cousins are, how Tita Alma and Tito Mario are coping with this insufferable blow. I pray so hard for them because I can not imagine enduring such pain. I pray for solace in the nights when it is most despairing, in the days when it is most difficult, in the times when there seems to be no more hope.

The days, even the years ahead will be difficult for all of us, especially for Popie's family. And I implore the heavens for grace, mercy and strength to be showered upon them as they struggle to pick up the broken fragments of their lives.

For when there is loss, one is never again made whole.

It was in July 2001 when I started to notice him. We've been friends for a year and it wasn't until we got to spend time working on film projects that I realized he had the most dazzling smile with the cutest dimples I ever saw plus the cutest ass in the entire school! (I love the sight of a real plump ass, hahaha). He was also very neat. His shoes were always shined and his nails were always well-kept (I am OC when it comes to neatness of physical appearance). I loved looking at him and eventually, my day wasn't complete if I didn't hear his voice or saw his wonderful smile.

We'd talk on the phone for hours, make chika again when we meet up and we'd drive around looking for great places to eat and talk again. He would talk about anything and everything with so much enjoyment and passion that I'd just sit in front of him mesmerized. It was never the conversation, just the sound of his voice that I looked forward to every single day.

I fell for him... hard. But it was a difficult time for both of us since he had his and I had mine (ya know what I mean). I would love to get into the grimy details but that would take too much space and I guess, it would also unearthed some deep hurts which time can never really diminish. There was so much pain and anguish juxtaposed with utmost bliss. Like a roller-coaster you never wanted to ride in the first place but was too tempting to let pass.

It was a time when I had to rely on a strength I never thought I had. Towards the end of my struggle, I just had to depend on the grace of God to carry me through. And this grace fortified our resolve to stay with each other.

And so fast forward to the day i decided to spend the rest of my life loving and caring for him. It wasn't a very romantic proposal -- actually, we were eating barbequed chicken when he decided to pop the question... He held my hands, though it was still icky with oil and reeking of chicken inasal, and asked me to be with him for the rest of his life. I was so happy, I cried.

We got married a year after and it was a joyous celebration! There were over a thousand guests and it was like a big fiesta! Even now, two years after that "Wedding of the Century" (at least here in Palawan anyway), people still remember the abundant food, the rows and rows of dessert and the eat-all-you-can ice cream (our reception was one whole park & it was filled with people! I was exhausted going from table to table!) It was a magical night indeed.

Two months after the wedding, I got pregnant with little Ivan and our lives couldn't be happier.

It wasn't a difficult pregnancy. I didn't have morning sickness nor the unusual cravings. I ate lots of fruits and veggies, drank lots of fresh juices and had a very balanced diet. I was well-taken cared of by my nurse, my parents, my staff and of course, my Ivan. I was a happy preggy mom, I felt wonderful, like a queen even. No wonder my son Marcus was born a happy, happy child.

I am of the belief that a married couple's life isn't complete if there is no child to take care of, to spoil, to love. I myself can not imagine not having Macky in our lives! His little antics, his pilyo laugh, the everyday things that he does that is filled with wonder... Oh my! And the way he figures out to make loko or pakitang gilas! Oh my, my, my! Even at such an early age, my son already has so much personality. He is so malambing, so at ease with people, so intelligent (I'm not biased here, hahaha), such a treasure! I can't even remember the days when he wasn't with us yet. He greets me every morning with a smile. I take him to the office, I let him watch the sessions of the Provincial Board, I expose him to different food, places, people because I'd like him to grow up with empathy and without prejudice; with an open mind and an accepting heart.

My son Macky and my husband Ivan are my world, my pillars of strength.

This life that I am living right now is indeed, meaningful. I have come to know of my purpose and I am living it, doing it well. Ivan has accepted my calling and knows that this is the path I am destined to take. I learn, every morning that I wake up with him, that life is an adventure best shared with someone who will hold out his hands and guide you when things get tough, who would make you smile when everything is falling apart.

I just have to say though that Ivan isn't perfect, I always knew he wasn't and I never expected him to be. His past would always haunt us, like a damocles sword threatening to burst our bubble of happiness and security. His misgivings would always pain me and his sometimes utter disregard for the consequences of his actions can destroy what he has worked so hard to build. But I love him still. At the end of the day, despite the many pains, the many hurts, and tears and anguish and despair, his are the hands I would always want to hold; his are the lips I would always want to kiss; and his heart is the only one I would ever call my home.

My friend Ten once sent me an email which said that once true love has been found, a thousand flowers will bloom.

I have found my true, true love, to whom I will give my everything. I have found the one whom my soul needs, the only one I would share my every day and all my years with.

So let a thousand flowers bloom... Endlessly. 

Aside from my husband Ivan and my sister Mae, I only have a handful of people I truly trust, whose opinion I value and whose presence in my life I am most grateful for.

One is my college bestfriend Ten, who is now working as a financial analyst at a prestigious international firm (jetsetting her ass off, haha); another is Joy, my Executive Assistant whose loyalty is beyond question; and the other is someone I've never seen personally but have grown to love, admire and respect through the many times we've communicated (the distance of a thousand miles is never a hindrance).

Her name's Laureen and I met her through Friendster. We chat constantly, although right now, she's also jetsetting (are you in Japan Ms. Chii??? I need you!!!) and I miss her terribly. I have come to look forward to her morning messages, her scholarly views (believe me when I say she is wise beyond her years), her advices, her jokes. Although I never told her, for me, she is an inspiration, a wonderful mother and wife, a woman of substance. She recently wrote a beautiful blog and when I read it, I cried a bucket, because what she wrote touched me deeply. Her words gave me strength because it made me realize that I am living a meaningful life.

I haven't asked her permission to post this (I'm sure she wouldn't mind, the kind soul that she is)... but I feel the need to. If only I could post all her blogs here so that you can appreciate her gift of wisdom and the loveliness of her character. And so, without further ado, here's one of the most beautiful blogs I've ever read by one of the most beautiful people I am privilege to have in my life. Enjoy.

--oo--

The Flowers in My Garden by Laureen Grace

There were some unrelated events in the past few weeks that made me realize one thing. Aside from being a mother of 3 beautiful kids and a wife to a wonderful and hardworking husband (of 8 years this coming June 29th), I realized that I'm really lucky --- to have my friends around with me.

I am very fortunate indeed, and also maybe my parents, for having such good friends who have never been --- what people say "B.I." or bad influence. Never have they pressured me to do things that are crooked and detrimental. I'm not saying that my friends are all perfect with glowing halos on their heads. I will admit that there were times in our younger years that we, well not everyone actually, have tried drinking and even smoking cigarettes. I would like to assume that "experimentation" is normal among teenagers. However, I am very proud to say that my friends were very smart enough to know what kind of things to "experiment" with and what are not. Doing drugs was one of those things that wasn't even brought up, not even in our nightmares. We have tried to keep each other on the straight and narrow. And if times would come that we teetered and swayed, we might have done it on our own...sans the influence of the other. None of us really got into serious trouble and we never had to be bailed out --- literally or figuratively.

And now that we're truly grown-ups, mostly in our mid-20's, everyone is already stable in the path that one has chosen. I am not adverting to having so much money or overwhelming fame, though there is nothing wrong with that (and some of us maybe do have those ^_^). But I'm referring to us being more focused, sturdier and more sure-footed. I'm aware almost everyone heard the cliche about the birds of the feather, but I believe that I didn't really choose friends who are like myself, but rather those I could get inspiration from. And this made all the difference in my life.

Like my old Westmoor High School girlfriends, whom I still communicate up to now, we never fail to say hi once in a while to each other. Especially Ms. "Seven" ( I won't write their real names for their own privacy ^,^), we talk to each other on the phone almost everday. I really like the feeling of having someone whose views of the world are quite similar to my own. I really know the difference between a person who is just nodding with you in agreement though her face or voice says otherwise, and a person who is totally in accord with you because she understands...and the latter is Ms. Seven.

There are times that we may not agree on things, but I feel confident that I can voice out my opinions and feel safe without being misjudged, knowing I won't be challenged to defend my stand or position. One thing we like to talk about is being a mother at an early age. Like me, Ms. Seven and another girlfriend of ours happened to have our very own first bundle of joy at a young age, sans college degree. Then again, Ms. Seven and our other friend defy stereotypes about young mothers. They both proved that it's not the end of the world for a young woman when a baby comes along the way, that choosing to raise a child rather than having an abortion doesn't mean she needs to forget about her dreams and ambitions. Having kids at an earlier age only means that we only had them earlier than the others. And it also means, that when we are in our 40's and our kids in their 20's, we can all go clubbing together. Okay, the last one was just a joke. Nevertheless, I really think that the two of them serve as an inspiration for countless teenage women out there who are in the same situation as we were before. Now Ms. Seven has a B.A in psychology and the other girlfriend of mine has a bachelor's degree in interior design. Having those diplomas in their hands only prove that getting "knocked up" doesn't mean you're dead. They showed that not only life goes on, but it also gets better because now life has more meaning when there's that little one beside you whom you can share things with.

Even newly found friends give me such motivation. I may enjoy the comfort of being with the same people over the years, but I also find joy in meeting new people and knowing that I can also be comfortable being with and talking to them. One of which is my friend that I met thru friendster. If I'm not mistaken, it was about a year ago when she made a wonderful remark on my friendster page and kindly requested me to design one for her. After that, the rest is history.

Ms. "Congresswoman" is a true blue Filipina who is very much committed in helping fellow Filipinos in improving their lives. One of the things she does is helping the Filipino youth say "hell no" to drugs. She even won an award for it. I really admire all the impressive things she has done and still doing. She also has a striking educational credentials. After going to New York University and SJC in Manila, she's now preparing for her political life ahead by studying law. Just thinking about it, it makes my head spin.

On a more serious note, she could actually find a more lucrative job with much more disposable income to fuel more luxurious vacations and lesser useful but fancier things. But she didn't. She stepped out of her comfort zone, went out on a limb, and put herself on line for someone. She forgot about herself and somethings that made her comfortable (like the malls in Metro Manila). It's all clear to her on what she's meant to do. But the best thing is...she made it seem so easy. Having to know her made me wonder what I've done about my own idealism. Her life has made me ask myself if being happy is already enough. Maybe it's time that I finally become fulfilled by giving something back, maybe not the way she does it everyday, but in the best way I can.

They are very good people, these friends of mine. I'm very very proud of them and consider myself lucky that I have met them and became part of my life. And now that we're in-between diaper changes and attending children's birthday parties, they still don't fail me to help me become a better person --- one who is fully resolved and with a purpose. Through them (in which they may never realize) is where I found a recess in the circle of life where I can work on being good at something and serve as an inspiration to others. And not just simply because it's the right thing to do but --- it's the only way to truly live.

A few years ago, somebody asked my father how old he was. He gave a sly smile and said, “I am as young as my hopes, as old as my fears.” Last Sunday I celebrated my 29th birthday and as usual, there were those who asked how old I was (obviously they don’t get to visit my friendster page for generational reasons). And because I was feeling vague as well as poetic, I gave the same answer. They smiled as if they understood.

I attempt to dissect my answer as I take a break from the humdrum demands of paperwork (I am currently finishing a position paper on the viability of dividing Palawan into three separate provinces thus paving the way for the creation of what is to be called the Palawan Environmental Administrative Region or PEAR... tough, I know). I am as young as my hopes… What ARE my hopes? What are the things I look forward to that keep me eternally optimistic? What are my desires? Dreams? Basically, my hopes center on my son, Marcus. My lawyering ambition, my political aspirations, my life of service are all anchored on giving my son (and my other children soon to follow)the best life he/they can possibly have. A comfortable life, a meaningful life (through the many encounters with different kinds of people and different cultures, after all, the unexposed are often the most cruel). That is the finest legacy I can ever hope to give. And in the process, I discover myself as well and find meaning with my own my existence.

What then, are my fear/s? Being human means to nurture the greatest fear of all -- to be alone. Death, separation, failure all stem from the fear of being left alone. I never thrive in isolation. My heart is filled with overflowing love for my husband and my son and as they are my universe, my greatest hope, with them also rests my deepest fear. All others are secondary if not inconsequential.

Many years ago, I was happy to belong to the "mid 20's" category... now I belong to the "late 20's". In a year, I'll be 30 and many things would have happened to me and my family by then. But that is another blog for another time.

They often say life is an adventure in forgiveness, in hope, in love... And in the many days and months to come, I know I would live that adage. So much to dream, so much to hope for and never a moment of regret.   

I've always wondered what a blog meant. I remember asking my bestfriend Ten (while in the middle of a deep conversation about the human condition and how to save the world) what a blog was... My dear, dear Ten, the smart girl that she is (she has a scholarship grant from the Asian Institute of Management, galing galing) shifted gears & just explained it to me like i was a 4 year old... & just like a typical 4 year old, i didn't understand... But times change... i'm now a mommy, full time wife with an office to run on the side, and indeed, there are so many things to write about... and writing has always been my passion. As i said in my profile, I am a writer of humanity.

So here it is, my attempt to share the musings of my soul with the rest of the human population. it's been a long time since i've had the opportunity to do so & I welcome this like the parched grass welcoming the first drop of summer rain...

I live, I love and so I write... I do all these things with one thought instilled in me by my writing professor at the New York University... he asked me what my passion was & i told him it was writing... with a gleam in his eyes he said, "Pam, remember.. those who can write can rule the world."

And so my reign begins.

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, But that we are powerful beyond measure..."

This is the beginning of one of my favorite poems. I always read it to the young people i train before the start of my workshop. I even include it in my inspirational speeches whenever i'm invited to speak at schools. It's entitled "Our Greatest Fear" by Marianne Wilson. It goes:

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,

But that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about your shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.

It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give

other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

~~ end ~~

I have always been comfortable giving my best not because I want to prove that I'm better than everybody else; I do this because I have always been an enemy of mediocrity. I know what I can do, I know who I want to be, I know what I can become. It is God's grace within me that gives me such power. I welcome this grace, I allow it to carry me through the most painful and trying times of my life... And by doing so, no fear can ever hold me back.

There comes a moment in your life when time seems to stop. Everything is silent, you hear nothing but the rapid beating of your heart. You force yourself to think, to be calm, to pray. And you dig deep in the innermost recesses of your soul for the courage, the strength to be more than what you are and to banish the fear enveloping your entire body.

**

The day was unlike the dreary, bleary ones of past. The wind was pleasant, the sky was clear, the sea was placid and clear as glass. There was no feeling of foreboding, no sense of danger of what was to come.

My son Macky has been suffering from a stubborn cough and based on local belief (and past experiece if i may add), swimming at sea can actually clear up or eliminate coughing. And so, my husband told the nurse to bring Macky to the water sans his beloved swimming trunks. My son, the waterbaby that he is, was all so excited to wade his little toes in the cool water and was giggling as he was doing so. Ivan and I watched with glee from the shore.

Suddenly, Macky started screaming. They have both been in the water for barely five seconds and my son was already screaming! Mildred, the nurse, raised Macky up and was alarmed at the thread-like 'things' that had latched itself to my son's thighs as well as in her arms. I couldn't hear anything but my little boy's cries. I quickly went to the water, pulled out the tentacles and rushed Macky to the house where Ivan got vinegar and poured it over Macky's thighs (the acidity in the vinegar kills or dries out the 'poison' or sting of the jellyfish, or so local belief has it). Our caretaker, Manong Tony, came over with scrunched up leaves and told me to rub it into Macky's skin after we rinse him. And so I did. After 15 minutes of crying, the swelling started to disappear and the pelts weren't as red as when we pulled Macky out of the water. Apparently, the leaves had a cooling effect since Macky stopped crying and after a few more minutes, fell asleep. When he woke up, he was fine again. There was no more pain.

While I was holding him, in the course of his utter distress, I felt so hopeless and so damned scared. What if the tentacles reached his bellybutton? What if it stung his little pototoy? What if there was no one who knew what to do? What if courage failed me and I froze? I wanted so much to cry as I held my son in my arms. But I saw Ivan, who was ashen, whose hands were shaking, guilt written all over his face (he kept repeating, 'I'm sorry baby... dapat di na kita pina swim'). And I didn't. I knew I had to be strong for both of us. I fought the fear that was eating my heart. And I prayed as hard as any mother would.

Two days after the incident, looking at Macky, you wouldn't see a sign that at one year and four months, his cute, fat thighs were embraced by jellyfish tentacles. There are no swelling, no pelts, nothing. Aside from his stubborn cough, he is as fine as he should be.

And at every chance I get, I breathe a prayer of gratitude.

**

In my younger days, I knew of courage, but not until I became a mother that I learned to keep it in my heart constantly to aid me if ever any unpleasant circumstance would arise. I knew of hope, of strength, of love but nothing like the hope, strength and love only a mother knows.

These, together with the love and strength and courage of the man who chose to be by my side forever, will banish every pain, conquer every fear, provide relief for every suffering, give hope to every misfortune.

Indeed, I am braver and wiser because of the lessons I've learned along the way. And more prepared than ever before.

Sometimes I get too caught up with the pressures of running the office that I forget to make “lambing” to my wonderful husband. The burdens of my work – believe me, managing an office and an agency with a province-wide mandate takes a lot of energy  – can be pretty overwhelming & it amazes me sometimes, how I’m able to juggle work, family, law school and extra-curricular activities without freaking out or looking like a hag.

 

It’s a Monday, but surprisingly, unlike the past Mondays I’ve had as Chief of Staff, I’m not at all swamped with paperwork – just a few hundred pages I have to sign. So, with time on my hands, I decided to write a thank you letter to my husband, Ivan, who is always there for me – in good times and in bad, when I’m at my best or my worst, when I’m at prettiest and even when my nose is flaring and my horns are trying to appear. He never leaves my side and stays with me even during my bitch fits worthy of hell’s Hall of Fame. And he always agrees with me too.

 

I’ve written him countless letters, made dozens of poems, all from the well-springs of my sincere and loving heart. I enjoy reading my letters to him (he keeps it in his bedside drawer) because I realize the immensity of my feelings for him existed even during our most trying times. Our love has never faltered but has bloomed beautifully over the years. And so from the innermost recesses of my soul, I say,

 

Baby,

 

Although, I always forget to say thank you for making me smile especially when I’m having cramps & you’d tell me “i-ut*t mo lang ‘yan” and for the little things you think I don’t appreciate but do, like when you make instant noodles and you’d give me half even if you want to eat it all or when I ask you to massage my feet and you’d complain but still put some lotion though I know you hate having lotion on your hands because it makes you feel sticky (you still give the best two minute foot massage ever). I even forget to say thanks for driving me to the office and picking me up in the afternoon and having lunch and snacks with me in between. And for all the times I wake you up late at night just to ask for a glass of water or scratch an itchy part of my back that I can’t reach, for making me laugh so hard I f**t, snort (and do all those un-girly, funny things) and for saying the sweetest things like when I offer you pizza, you say I’m yummier than the best pizza in the world… I can’t thank you enough, baby. For giving me your shoulder to stand on, for your strength I can call my own, for a love so fierce and passionate it would outlast a thousand painful days, I am forever grateful. I love you baby, always and always and always.